


What I Remember

by orphan_account



Series: Yeah I Wrote Something: Tumblr Fics [25]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Engagement Party, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, One Shot, Pining Dean, Tags Are Hard, engaged Cas, hannah's a bitch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2015-12-27
Packaged: 2018-05-09 20:37:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5554421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It always hurt like a mother when Dean saw Cas and Hannah together, but he could never quite find it in himself to stay away. He'd always been there for Cas, and he always would be right until the very end, no matter what the personal cost to himself might be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What I Remember

"Champagne, sir?" The waitress held out the tray toward Dean, her smile flirtatious and inviting. Dean snatched a flute from the tray without a second glance at her, muttering a terse thanks. She let out a small humph as she turned away, and Dean felt a pang of remorse. She would usually be right up his alley: pretty eyes, pretty figure, easy score. But he wasn't interested in that tonight.

Well, he was interested in *that*, just not with her. His gaze returned to the dark haired man across the room, and he sighed forlornly. He was never quite prepared for the flash of pain that he felt whenever he looked at Cas, and right now was no different. His heart ached as he watched Cas bend down to listen as Hannah giggled and whispered something in his ear. 

She brought her perfectly manicured left hand up to cup her mouth so that their words remained private, just for the two of them to know. Dean's eyes shifted to her fourth finger, to that engagement ring sparkled so prettily in the dim lighting of the banquet hall. He forced himself to look away as he brought the flute up for another sip of champagne. 

It always hurt like a mother when he saw them together, but he could never quite find it in himself to stay away. He'd always been there for Cas, and he always would be right until the very end, no matter what the personal cost to himself might be. 

Even if that cost included dressing up in a ridiculous monkey suit and drinking frilly champagne out of fucking flutes. Dean tugged at his stiff white shirt collar uncomfortably, his neck cracking as he twisted it. He knew that Cas had to be as uncomfortable as him; he'd seen him tugging at his own collar more than once. 

Dean wondered again why his best friend had agreed to this party when everything here was so unlike him. Cas preferred beer and t-shirts and a small gathering with family, not this hoity-toity shit that Hannah had roped him into. 

He heard the tinkling of a fork against glass and Cas's call for everyone's attention. The two hundred guests (only fifty of which Cas actually knew) quieted as they turned to the couple at the front of the room. Cas beamed as he announced, "I'd like to thank you all for joining us this evening to celebrate a very big event. Hannah and I are thrilled that you all could make it."

His words were clipped, uneven, like he was trying to recall them. Dean guessed that Hannah, being the perfectionist, had probably written out Cas's speech for him and made him memorize it. Dean couldn't help but roll his eyes. 

"So many of you have already shared such kind thoughts and sentiments with us, and I want you to know that it means the world to us to have such a strong group of family and friends supporting us as we take this next step in our lives together. So, to you all, our guests, I say a very big thank you. And to my future wife," Cas smiled down at her, "I say a very big thank you." 

"Tell us how it happened!" A man called from the crowd, and several people called out their agreement. Cas glanced down at Hannah, who nodded. 

"Well, as many of you know, Hannah and I grew up together. We've been best friends ever since the first day of kindergarten when I smeared mud on her brand new pink-and-white-polka dot dress and she punched me in the nose in retaliation," a small chuckle filtered through the crowd. 

"So, all growing up we were close, and it just seemed like the natural thing for us to start dating in high school," several of the ladies let out a soft "Aw!" Cas just shook his head, "but then we broke up. And then we started dating again in college...but then we broke up again." 

He smiled down at Hannah before turning back to the guests. "But we kept in touch, you know, Facebook, occasional Sunday brunch, small things. Well, somehow we both ended up at home this Christmas, and we ran into each other at the grocery store. Her mom had sent her to buy gravy, mine had sent me to buy mashed potatoes, and we literally bumped into each other in the aisle there." 

Cas took a deep breath, his smile faltering as he looked down at her again. "And I took one look at her and I knew that I would be an idiot to ever let her get away again. So I gave her the 'I'm an idiot' speech right there in the middle of aisle 12 at Walmart, and I asked her to marry me, and she said... No!" 

Several people in the crowd gasped, and Cas chuckled. "I know! Would you believe it? She said that she was not about to get engaged in Walmart. So I took her to this lake that we always used to go ice skating on, and I proposed again to her there, and she finally said yes." Cas smiled down at Hannah, his blue eyes sparkling. "And honestly, I am the luckiest man alive." 

And then he pressed his lips to hers in a gentle kiss. And this time, Dean couldn't make himself look away. His eyes remained locked on the couple as they pulled apart, only for Cas to reach in for another quick peck, causing Hannah and the other guests to chuckle. It was perfect, just like everything else about him. Because that was Cas; perfect looks, perfect job, perfect home, and now, perfect fiancé. 

Dean suddenly felt like he was suffocating. It hurt too much for him to be here, smiling and laughing with the other guests when it went against everything inside of him. He couldn't pretend anymore. He couldn't watch the man he loved love someone else. 

He set the champagne flute down on the nearest table and hurried toward the exit, his heart thundering against his ribs as he wove through the other guests. When he finally broke free from the crowd, he practically ran outside into the cool night air, pulling in deep gasps to clear his head. He leaned against the wall, his entire body shaking as his thoughts whirled. 

He couldn't stay. He knew that now. He'd thought that maybe he could; maybe he could stay strong enough to do this for Cas. That had been the plan, one last hurrah for the blue-eyed man who'd stolen his heart before he disappeared for good. Because that was the only option. Dean had to disappear. He had to forget about Cas and move on with his life, like Cas was moving on with his. 

Now, he realized that he couldn't go to the wedding. He had to leave now while he still had some sanity about him. He slowly pushed himself away from the wall and started shuffling down the street. He'd call Cas later and apologize about disappearing. 

He'd only made it a few feet when the door burst open.

"There you are!" Cas called as he ran after Dean. Dean slowly spun around so he was facing his best friend. "You know, the best man is supposed to stick around a little while." 

Dean shrugged. "Well, I'm not your best man, so..." 

"What do you mean?" Cas's eyes narrowed as his head cocked to the side. "You said on the phone..." 

"I know what I said, Cas, but I can't! Okay, I can't!" Dean bit out, tears brimming in his eyes. "I can't stand in there watching you kiss and smile at her when...when..." 

Cas took a slow step forward. "Dean, we've talked about this. Hannah is my fiancé now. I love her; I've always—"

"Oh, don't give me that bullshit!" Dean cried, frustrated. "If you really loved her that much, then why the hell were you fucking me the week before you got engaged? Huh?" 

Cas glanced around nervously, but there was no one else on the street. They were alone. 

"Dean," he tried again, but Dean shook his head. 

"No! You and I had something, Cas. I mean, yeah, it was a little fucked up and weird, but it worked! We worked. And then you went home for Christmas and you come back fucking engaged? To her!" He pointed toward the restaurant. 

"Dean, Hannah and I are old...old friends, okay? You saw how crazy I was about her in college." 

Dean snorted out a laugh. "You mean how crazy she drove you? Because that's what she did; what she's still doing! She's a controlling, manipulative bitch, Cas. That's what I remember from college. And do you know what else I remember?" 

He stepped into Cas's space, and Cas couldn't do anything but stare up into his dark, angry eyes. "I remember that first kiss we had at one of her perfect little sorority parties. Do you remember that? How she started acting like a drunk psycho so we hid out in the closet and ended up making out for the entire party?" 

Cas looked away, his breath hitching in his throat, but Dean wasn't about to let him get out of this that easily. He grabbed Cas's chin and jerked it back so that the shorter man was forced to look at him. He leaned down further as he smirked.

"Or maybe you remember the first time we gave each other blowjobs in the shower at her family's beach house, or the first time I fucked you in your apartment while she was out shopping, or the first time you fucked me when she was passed out drunk in the next room." 

"Dean..." Cas warned, his cock half-hard in his slacks despite his anger. Dean let his lips hover over Cas's, staring straight into his blue eyes as their lips brushed together.

"That's what I remember, Cas," he murmured softly, dangerously. "I remember you begging for me, screaming my name again and again, using me like I used you.

"But do you know what I remember most? I remember you telling me the night before you left for home that you were going to come out to your parents." Dean laughed darkly. "And you didn't say it, but I knew that you were doing it for me. It's always been for me, all of it. Just like I did all of it for you!" 

He tightened his grip on Cas's chin and slammed their mouths together, claiming a last, desperate kiss to hold him over for the rest of his lonely life. Cas seemed shocked for a moment, but then he was moaning and wrapping his arms around Dean, yanking him in tighter as Dean ravaged his mouth. 

When they finally pulled apart, breathless and angry and still hungry for more, Dean forced himself to take a step back. He shoved a finger in Cas's chest. "You were never crazy about Hannah. You've always been crazy about me." 

And then he spun around, leaving Cas alone and bereft as he stormed away. Cas watched him go, unable to think or speak, until he suddenly snapped out of the haze he'd been in. He ran after Dean, his own anger rising. 

"Don't think you can just walk away from me!" He snarled. He grabbed Dean by the arm and yanked him back around to face him. 

"Do you want to know what I remember?" He asked, his tone venomous. "Because see, I do remember sneaking into that closet with you at Hannah's sorority party, but I also remember seeing you sneak out of Lisa's room that next morning. And I remember that weekend at the beach house, but I also remember that next weekend when you ran off to Aaron's cabin."

He yanked at Dean's arm, his tone accusing. "You have no right to be angry at me! You were just using me for sex, a quick lay. You always moved onto the next one as soon as you were done with me!" 

"Well, at least I wasn't in a committed relationship with them!" Dean yelled. "I wasn't telling them that I loved them minutes after having my cock shoved up your ass!"

"But do you know what I remember the most?" Cas continued to talk over him. "I remember telling you that I was going to come out to my parents, and you *laughed* and said, 'Good luck with that.'" Tears streamed down his cheeks as he shook his head. "Good luck with that?! You might as well have slapped a sticker that said 'Fuck Buddy' across my ass!"

"I didn't know what else to say!" Dean defended. "Okay, it was kind of overwhelming!" 

Cas gaped at him. "You—Dean Winchester, who's managed to talk his way into the panties of every sorority girl on campus—you didn't know what to say? So what, you just decided to go with the asshole option?" 

"Look, I didn't—" Dean began, but Cas cut him off. 

"No. I'm not about to come out to my homophobic parents for a fuck buddy, Dean," he growled. 

Dean surged forward to grab Cas's face, holding him tightly so that he was forced to meet his eyes. "Then don't do it for me! Do it for you!" 

Cas shook his head. "I don't nee—"

"You listen to me, Castiel Novak," Dean ground out. "You, of all people, deserve to be happy, and you'll never be happy living a lie! These past few months, when it was just you and me—when there were no lies, no Hannah, no parents—you were so fucking happy!" He took a deep breath. "I'd like to think that maybe it had something to do with me, but I think that it was mostly cause you were finally letting yourself be happy."

Cas looked like he was about to cry, and Dean knew he had struck a chord. He pressed his advantage and whispered, "Cas, please, don't do this! Let yourself be happy again." 

Cas drew in a shaky breath, his voice barely a hoarse whisper as he admitted, "I can't! It's too late." And then he spun around and rushed back toward the restaurant, leaving Dean to stare after him.

\---------------------

Cas slumped down into one of the chairs in the now-empty hall, allowing himself to truly relax for the first time that evening. It was becoming more and more exhausting, keeping up this facade. His conversation with Dean hadn't helped anything, either. 

He'd hoped, maybe, at the end there, when Dean was whispering about being happy, that he'd say it. He'd admit that he wanted Cas not just to be happy, but to be happy with him. That's all Cas had ever wanted, to be happy with Dean. But Dean hadn't said it, because that wasn't Dean's style. 

Dean didn't do true love and happily ever after; he did one-night stands and sneaking out the morning after. Cas had learned that well enough from personal experience. He'd always hoped that it would change; he would've left Hannah in a heartbeat if Dean had only asked. 

He heard the sharp clip of heels crossing the dance floor, and he glanced up to find his fiancé striding toward him, her attention on her phone. 

"That went well," she announced, her tone smug. "I mean, other than that whole fiasco with the caviar."

"I thought the caviar was fine," Cas offered, but Hannah ignored him. 

"I'm going to email the caterer about it; we can't have that shit happening at the wedding. And I'm going to have to take your Aunt Hester out for dress shopping; she can't be wearing that ugly green dress to our wedding." 

"She doesn't have money for new dresses," Cas defended. "She's on a limited budget now that Uriah's passed." 

Hannah sighed defeatedly. "I guess I can spring for one. Unless you want to, sweetheart?" She looked up at him then, the first time she had for the entire conversation, and smiled imploringly. 

"What?" Cas muttered. 

"Don't you want your aunt to look nice for our wedding?" Hannah prodded.

"I thought her dress looked nice enough," Cas countered. Hannah smiled at him flirtatiously, but Cas's expression remained flat and unmoved. Her smile fell. 

"Fine!" She snapped. "I guess I'm paying for it myself." And then she was back to glaring at her phone, typing away furiously. 

The door at the back of the hall opened again to admit Naomi and Bartholomew this time. As they drew closer, Naomi sighed wearily. "Well, we got your Uncle Zachariah into a cab, so he should make it back to his hotel okay." 

"Yeah, I'm thinking that maybe we should lose his invitation in the mail," Hannah muttered.

Cas glared at her. "Why?" 

"Because he's always drunk, and I can't have your drunk perv uncle hitting on all my sorority sisters!" Hannah chided. 

"Hannah, dear," Naomi began, her tone all sweetness. "I understand why you may want to keep him away, but he *is* family. Don't worry; I'll put Inaias in charge of him."

Hannah just rolled her eyes, obviously displeased that she was being outvoted on this. She suddenly looked up at Cas, her gaze sharp. "Where did you go? In the middle there?" 

"I had to go talk to Dean," Cas replied honestly. He let out a heavy sigh. "Apparently he's not going to be best man."

"Well, that's probably for the best," Hannah muttered as she looked back down at her phone. "I mean, I get that he's your friend and all, but the whole being in love with you thing? Kinda awkward." 

Cas froze, his eyes widening. "What do you mean, being in love with me?" 

"Oh, don't act like you don't know!" Hannah accused. "He's been in love with you for years. I mean, he tried to cover it up with all those one-night stands, but everyone could see it." She snorted softly. "It was a little pathetic, really."

Cas looked to his parents, but they were both nodding somberly. "Honestly, it's disgusting!" Naomi declared. "Thank god we raised you right."

Cas's gaze fell to the floor as he thought about what they'd said, what they'd inadvertently revealed. Dean loved him. He had loved him for years. Dean hadn't been using Cas for casual sex; he'd been using the others to get over Cas. 

Holy shit, Dean loved him. 

\---------------------

Dean motioned to the bartender for another drink. He knew this was probably the stupidest coping mechanism he'd ever developed, but it worked. And boy, did he have a lot to cope with tonight. His mind replayed his conversation with Cas again and again on a loop, repeating over and over in his mind. 

He'd ruined it completely. He'd never even thought that he'd get to have that conversation with Cas, but then he finally had, and he'd fucked it up. 

He'd always thought that he'd at least get to keep Cas as a friend, maybe as an old acquaintance. After that conversation, there was no way in hell that Cas would ever speak to him again. 

Dean had had it all planned out; he'd get over Cas, meet a nice person he could build a life with. And then once he was sure he could handle it, he and Cas would meet up every few years for lunch or dinner, talk about where they were in life, maybe even end up spending the night together occasionally. Then Cas would go back to life with Hannah, and Dean would be left to pick up his pieces until the next lunch or dinner. 

But now he'd completely alienated his best friend and the love of his life. There would be no meeting every few years, no fond reminiscing, no stolen nights; there'd just be a lifetime of regrets and heartbreak.

The bartender brought over his drink, and Dean nodded his thanks. He brought the cup up for his first sip, vaguely aware of someone settling onto the barstool next to him. 

"I'll have what he's having," the man said, his deep voice shooting through Dean, pinging around his heart like a pinball, and Dean froze. He slowly lowered his tumbler, his eyes shifting to the man's face. 

"Cas?" He whispered. "What are you... What are you doing here?" 

Cas shrugged. "Figured I'd stop in for a quick drink, you know, to celebrate." 

"Oh," Dean murmured disappointed, looking back down at his drink. "I see. Did you know I was here, or...?" 

Cas thanked the bartender as he set his glass down in front of him then took a giant swig. "I knew," he answered once he'd swallowed. 

"How?" Dean wondered, glancing around to see if he knew anyone there who could've tipped Cas off.

"Your phone," Cas explained, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "Facebook told me you were in this neighborhood, and it wasn't that hard to figure out from there." 

"Facebook?" Dean's brow furrowed. "How the fuck does Facebook know where I am?"

Cas ignored the question. "How drunk are you?" he asked instead, his tone almost conversational. 

"Not nearly enough," Dean muttered as he brought his glass up again. 

"Well, that's good. I'd hate to confess my undying love to someone who's too drunk to remember it the next morning," Cas commented lightly. 

Dean choked on his whiskey. 

Cas turned to face him, clapping him on the back as he coughed violently. When Dean finally recovered enough, he looked over at Cas and wheezed, "What the hell did you just say?" 

Cas smiled softly, his eyes warm and affectionate. "I love you, Dean Winchester." 

Dean gaped at him, his mind whirling with questions. "What?" 

Cas sighed and rolled his eyes. "God, how many times am I going to have to repeat this?" But he said it fondly. "I am in love with you. I have been since we first met. And...and..." He faltered for a moment before rushing on, "Hannah and my parents say that you love me, too." 

Dean continued to stare at him. He couldn't comprehend what was happening right now. Cas's parents had known how Dean had felt about their son? Hannah had known? And they'd told him...and now he was here confessing his feelings for Dean? What the fuck had happened in the past thirty minutes?

Cas waited for Dean to respond, but he didn't. He just kept staring at Cas like he was some kind of idiot. Shit. He was probably figuring out a nice way to let him down. Cas felt the panic start to set in. 

God he'd been stupid! He'd actually thought that Dean felt something for him. Right, that was laughable. Why the hell would Dean settle for him when he could keep having everybody?

Now, Cas had nothing left to do but get out of there as quickly as possible and never talk to Dean ever again. Maybe he'd move to Siberia and join a monastery. It's not like his parents or friends would be keeping in touch, not now that he'd told them that he was gay. 

He slid off the barstool. "I guess they were wrong. I'll, uh...be going now." 

But then Dean's hand was clamping around his wrist, halting his escape. "No!" His outburst shocked them both. He cleared his throat, but his hold on Cas didn't loosen. He blushed and glanced down to where his fingers still held Cas's wrist as he muttered, "They weren't wrong." 

When he didn't say anything more, Cas stepped up next to him, crowding into his space. "They weren't?" 

Dean shook his head, finally looking up at Cas. "I, uh... Shit, I love you too. I have for years," he admitted. Cas's face broke out into a beautiful smile, and Dean found himself admitting everything. "I spent the first year of our friendship thinking that maybe if I could just sleep with you once, I'd get you out of my system. But then we did it, and it didn't go away. I just wanted more and more." 

"Me too," Cas breathed, his hands coming up to cup Dean's cheeks. "I can't ever get enough of you. And you were right; these past months with you have been the happiest of my life." He took a deep breath before rushing on. "I'm can't not have you. I'm never going to lie about how I feel about you ever again." 

Dean smiled hesitantly. "You told them?" 

Cas nodded. "I did. It didn't happen quite the way I expected, but I did it." He smiled, "And I broke it off with Hannah." 

"She must have been devastated," Dean muttered, a mischievous grin sliding into place. 

"Completely traumatized," Cas agreed as he moved in toward Dean. "But I think she'll get over it pretty quickly." 

Dean chuckled. "Good, cause you're mine now." And then he let Cas take his mouth in a hungry kiss. 

\--------------------

*One Year Later*

Dean and Cas strolled hand in hand through the yard, pausing to talk to different friends and family members. Everyone oohed and aahed over their matching engagement bands they'd picked out together. 

The cookout was perfect for them, laid back with only their closest friends and family present—well, Dean's family, at least; Cas's family still wasn't talking to him. It was so different from Cas's previous engagement party. 

As the party began to draw to a close, Cas pulled Dean down to whisper, "Should we say something?" Dean nodded then yelled out, "Hey, everybody! Shut up for a minute!" 

After some grumbling and sniping, the crowd settled down enough for Dean to speak. "Uh, Cas and I wanna thank you for coming to the party. This is...this is kinda a big deal for us, so it's really important to share it with you guys. You're our family, and we couldn't do this without you. So, yeah, thank you." 

Suddenly Ash called out, "Why dontcha tell us how you got engaged, Dean?" He smirked wickedly, mostly because he already knew the story. 

Dean glared at him as Cas flushed bright red, which was more than enough of an answer for the group. Several people let out catcalls and wolf whistles. Jo yelled, "Way to go, Winchester! Gettin it!" 

Cas smirked up at his fiancé, his eyes sparkling as he announced, "Oh, he's got me all right!"


End file.
